Harper Thorne: But Not Yet (The Short Story)

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The following is a work of fiction. Any similarities between any parties or situations are completely coincidental.

Harper Thorne: But Not Yet By J. Timothy Quirk ©2023

In the eighth book of the Bishop of Hippo’s confessions, Augustine wrote, loosely translated from Latin, “Give me chastity and continency… but not yet”. He was recognizing the wretchedness of his youth, wishing to satiate rather than extinguish his concupiscence, but as nearly a score of centuries transpired since the phrase entered the lexicon, the context is sometimes obscured, and what remains seems sardonically quaint, a prescription rather than a lament. But there is no prescription or license for gratification before living virtuously because we do not know the hour when our ability to make moral choices will suddenly end. But still, the phrase finds new ears, for in its plea there is an implicit belief that there must be still some time left, time to act impurely and then still time to change. That is at the very heart of the last three words, “But Not Yet!”

Harper Thorne thought of the phrase as she boarded the westbound train, for she was considering a most unusual case. The subject of the inquiry was Merritt Nilsson, a man who by all accounts was intemperate in nature, quick to anger, petulant when he wasn’t utterly thoughtless, a cad whose promises of fidelity in relationships were as worthless as his IOUs and yet in his last forty days, a miraculous and inexorable change of Dickensian proportions altered his behavior. Suddenly generous and patient, there were small acts of kindness unpublicized and unheralded until the wake, when the stories generated a surprising sense of awe and wonder. One persistent question prevailed in the minds of all in attendance: What had changed Merritt Nilsson?

The obvious first consideration was whether Nilsson had a medical reason for his sudden change of heart. There is nothing quite like knowledge of an imminent and inevitable day of judgement for a rekindled interest in living virtuously. But he was a young man, relative to the average lifespan of an adult male at the time, and although it took months of paperwork and legal wrangling to acquire the otherwise private records from the medical professionals, the executor of his estate, her client, had confirmed that Nilsson was documented to be in excellent health, though slightly overweight, which was not uncommon for men of his age and environment. It should be noted that even this was somewhat remarkable as he often ate and drank to excess whenever it suited him. Gluttony was one of the seven deadly sins with whom Nilsson regularly communed and yet, this was not the cause of his death, nor did a recognition of the effects of that communion lead to his remarkable transformation.

The train roared onward to the little community west of the main metropolis. Harper had time to think and consider the strange nature of her assignment. Every private inquiry she conducted over the years involved discovering the hidden evil side of someone’s nature, uncovering who committed a murder, who cheated on a loved one or who acquired ill-gotten gains. This case was different. It was the first inquiry into why someone with a dark nature had seen the light.

Nilsson began his working career for a private health insurance company where he located reasons within a policy and a customer’s past medical history to deny future payments. It was never phrased that way internally within the company, of course, it was always described as becoming a policy expert and contractual fine print clearly defined limits of coverage that his denial letters highlighted. When the laws changed, he had already risen in the ranks into management. He took an active role in eliminating his former coworkers’ jobs during the downsizing of the claims department to transform the company’s salary structure for the benefit of the shareholders. His most defining quality for years was the talent to accept the hatred of others.

Harper expected a change of employer or change of job within the employer to coincide with his change of heart, but nothing supported the theory. He remained employed in his current role until the end, though it is notable that no one had been sacked during those remarkable forty days.

     Conversions of the heart are often associated with religion. Harper’s first visit once the train pulled into the station was the vicarage. It was possible Nilsson had found solace or redemption in another faith community unbeknownst to those who knew him best, and there were no stories told to account for that possibility either.

Vicar Davenport could provide no elucidation into the matter. He attributed the phrase “…the Lord works in mysterious ways” to explain the change in the formerly unpleasant and lapsed congregant. Nilsson did not regularly attend services and during those forty days when he did attend, he sat in the back and departed without exchanging greetings with his fellow worshippers. Vicar Davenport did not have the hubris to believe his sermons were the cause of the man’s sudden transformation, but he hoped they aided in some way with the continuation of the purer path. Although he would not betray confidences if spiritual matters were addressed with any parishioner, the Vicar admitted he was new to the community by five years and he never spoke to Merritt Nilsson at all.

The Nilsson’s stately home stood atop the hill in an otherwise modest working-class town. Now in the possession of the nephew, the executor of the estate and Harper’s client, the furniture had been in the home for years, indicating there was no influx of income that had improved his surroundings. While touring the house, Harper admitted to her client that the inquiry she was being asked to investigate was unusual at best. “Why would you like to know why your uncle became a better person in his last forty days?” “Because it means there is hope for us all,” was his reply.

In the bedroom she rifled through the desk and the drawers and found no incriminating letters or messages to decode. There were no secret photos or a matchbook in the jacket pocket. But on one pair of shoes she found two small metal coverings on the bottom of the shoes, one placed at the heel and one at the front. The nephew mentioned he didn’t know his Uncle wore lifts. “They aren’t lifts,” she replied. “These are tap shoes.”

The nephew’s face turned a bright shade of pink as he explained his Uncle had never danced, not at his wedding, not at the local festivals, not ever. But he confirmed the shoes were his Uncle’s and he had nothing further to add except by saying, “but that can’t be it. There must be more to it than that. Besides the shoes are worn, the metal is considerably scuffed. He must have been wearing them longer than the forty days that he changed his tune…if you’ll forgive the expression.”

She replied, “The assignment you gave me is impossible because the answer can not be provided with certainty. We can not look into the soul of the deceased to know his true intentions while here, not even if there were a note that explained it all, but what we know is that the actions of the man were the actions of a man whose heart had changed. Perhaps there was a voice on his personal road to Damascus or perhaps he heard his own inner voice for once and listened to it. But we know that somehow finding something to love in oneself and pursuing that has a relationship to how one interacts with others. What started first? It’s the chicken or the egg. Would you like me to continue to investigate? I can search local dance studios for further information.”

“No, no. There’s something here that’s enough,” the nephew replied. “We never knew he liked to dance. No one in the family knew, I’m sure of it. He never showed that side of himself to us. I suppose those who knew him best, knew him the least. You have helped us to understand him better.”

As the train roared back to the city, Harper considered that forty days was not a long time to live so remarkably. Then again, Nilsson lived for many decades, and he only utilized those forty days as the talk of the town.  Harper recalled her own thoughts on the way west and considered that the way the Confessions of Augustine were written, it appeared that if the older self who wrote the words were able to go back, he would have stricken “but not yet” from his mind but in truth, he would have no control over the heart. The heart must change and whether there is an internal or external force that begins the transformation, what matters is that we fragile creatures here on earth have the ability to change and that fact is both wondrous and mysterious.

It was sometime later, long after Harper had returned to the city, that she came upon a dance studio in a neighborhood close to the train station. She stood outside and wondered if she would find more answers there, whether Nilsson danced there, whether he had found a partner to dance with, and when exactly did he start and was it at the start of those forty days or for much longer? Harper breathed in and breathed out before walking back to the station, resolving instead to do something kind for a stranger if she found the opportunity along the way.

-Fin